All I Ask of You

(Raoul)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

(Christine)
Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

[Raoul]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

[Christine]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

[Raoul]
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

[Christine]
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

[Both]
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

[Christine]
Say you love me

[Raoul]
You know I do

[Both]
Love me, that's all I ask of you.

[Both]
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

[Phantom]

I gave you my music, made your song take wing.
And now, how you've repaid me, denied me and betrayed me.
He was bound to love you, when he heard you sing.

[Raoul & Christine]
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning...

[Phantom]
You will curse the day you did not do!
All that the Phantom asked of you!

 

________________________________________

This song is beautiful and this made me cry. Right now, when I listen to this music, I feel like I am Phantom, whose heart is wasted because his feelings are not returned and his sacrifices are treated as nothing. He has done anything for the one he loves, Christine. It's a pity that she has decided to leave the Phantom alone in the end. Now I know how it feels; it hurts a lot and it's like I've been so stupid to keep holding on only to find out that my love is not reciprocated. The Phantom has got nothing eventually; Christine has chosen to forever go away and find her own peace, regardless of whatever he has given to her. It's very easy for her to leave after all he did.

I wish I could be Christine; she is so lucky that she has found someone that truly loves her and, of course, she loves him too. Raoul would do anything for her and he would never leave her. He would protect her from anything (or anyone) that might harm her. I envy her for being able to find her happiness. I envy her for not being afraid to be so selfish. Then I am starting to question myself if someday I will ever find my own. The image of me being Christine is too vague and now I don't even dare to imagine my future happiness.

Yes, I am sick of being the Phantom. Love should be mutual and when it's not balanced, everything will be shattered. I hope in the end I can say the last lines of the song:
 

You will curse the day you did not do!
All that the Phantom asked of you!

 

Never Give Up

I've always remembered the quote of Winston Churchill, that "success is moving from one failure to another without any lose of enthusiasm." This saying always reminds me that everybody has ever experienced failure, which is often painful. If ones decide to keep suffering from their loss, they are chained with the notion that they will never be able to proceed. On the contrary, if ones decide to make it a lesson and move on, they are one step closer to the goal.

 

I've failed many times in every aspect of life. I've shed tears of sorrow and joy. People who don't know me think that I am a lucky person because of what I am; however, they may not know how I was dying to be me, how everything has been so hard on me. One time I was on the peak of the mountain and suddenly I fell down from the cliff. Some cases were because of my own fault but there were things and conditions I couldn't really change. Until now, some memories are still saddening to remember, but some others make me believe that miracles do happen to me.

This year has not ended, and I am still left behind compared to others who started along with me. Seeing those who have reaped the fruits of their hard work, I become motivated and intimidated at the same time. I am motivated to light again the spirit inside me and believe that I can actually be what I want. Still, I am afraid of not being able to do things according to plan. I've got many other plans, but how many would be enough?

Anyway, my decision is to do my best this time. In case I don't succeed, I will try again until I make it; probably there will be 100 persons who say "no" to me, but I will find 1 who say "yes." I have always promised to myself that I want to decide my own future and  I am here on my way to it.

Dream Deferred

(by Langston Hughes)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

The time is ticking. Yet, I am still frozen here, in this comfort zone, with my all my confidence and faith starting to shatter. It's so sad that I only have 6 months remaining to decide where my life will lead me. 6 months to decide my fate. Now I am starting to question myself where I have been so far, and why I am much slower than I am supposed to be.
Maybe it's better late than never. I will never know if I never try; maybe the chance is small and maybe the chance is big. Only God knows.
It's time to wake up, then.

Little Holiday

I cannot really be considered an outgoing person but when I have the time to refresh myself from certain routines, I will be delighted to do so. 

It was not a holiday for me but I tried to make it feel like a holiday; after all, it's been rare to really have fun recently. Few weeks ago, in a sunny afternoon, I went to D'Mata Yogyakarta with a special person; we had actually planned to visit that place a long time ago but for some reasons, it had to be put off. People said that it was a museum and we could see a lot of unique objects there. It took about 15 minutes from my workplace to get there and we had to pay IDR 25.000/person for the entrance ticket.

Inside were various kinds of pictures such as places in the world and popular or fictional characters.  I was wrong to think that on working days it would not be crowded with people. They were, in fact, everywhere, trying the best to photograph themselves in every way possible to create the wanted results. The pictures were all on the wall and it could look like a 3D background only when you took photos of yourself on them with the right angle. It's too bad if one wants to visit that place without any cameras. 

Therefore, like it or not, I had to take photos so that my (our) IDR, 25.000 wasn't spent in vain. My "friend" said that he was not fond of taking his own photos so I forced him to pose on a lot of pictures and luckily I could do it. I myself didn't manage to take many photos because of the limited time but I was quite satisfied with some photos and the "Egyptian stairs" was my favorite. Perhaps you need more time if you want to take photos on all of the backgrounds. Don't expect that it would look so real, though. 

                               

                                         

It was around 2.30 p.m. when we finished exploring all parts of the museum. Seeing that I still had time before my teaching schedule, we decided to visit D'Arca, the museum located in the same building. We paid additional IDR 35.000/person to go inside. There we could see prominent figures, both local (e.g. SBY, W.R Supratman, and Cut Nyak Dien) and international (e.g. Hitler and Queen Elizabeth) . What made it different from the previous museum was that they were in the 3D forms. Unfortunately, the number of the objects were quite small compared to those of D'Mata as it took only half an hour to finish. 

Overall, I think that it was not disappointing. I personally would recommend D'Mata because of its variety of pictures and its uniqueness--you won't have such photos in other places in Yogyakarta. If you like concrete objects better, D'Arca might be the right place for you. Anyway, it's not about the places. I was glad that I could be happy for a while and forget things that worry me.   

Jika Kau Melupakanku

Aku ingin kau mengerti
satu hal.

Kau sendiri mengerti
jika aku memandang
bulan kristal, pada ranting merah
oleh musim gugur yang gemulai dari jendelaku
jika aku menyentuh
dekat bara api
abu yang tidak terjamah
atau tubuh kayu yang kusam
semua membawaku padamu,
seolah segala yang ada
aroma, cahaya, logam,
adalah perahu kecil
yang berlayar
menuju pulau kecilmu yang menantiku

Tetapi,
jika sedikit demi sedikit kau berhenti mencintaiku
aku akan berhenti mencintaimu sedikit demi sedikit

Jika tiba-tiba
kau melupakanku
janganlah mencariku
karena aku akan telah melupakanmu

Jika kau pikir
angin yang meniup layarku
melalui hidupku
terlalu lama dan gaduh
dan kau memutuskan
untuk meninggalkanku di pantai
hati tempatku berakar
ingatlah
bahwa pada hari itu,
pada waktu itu,
aku akan melepaskan tanganku
dan akarku akan pergi
menuju lahan yang lain

Tetapi
jika hari demi hari
waktu demi waktu
kau rasa bahwa kau ditakdirkan untukku
dengan manis yang tak terkira
jika setiap hari sekuntum bunga
merambat menuju bibirmu untuk mencariku,
cintaku, milikku,
dalam diriku api itu akan terus membara,
dalam diriku tiada yang padam atau terlupa,
cintaku hidup dalam cintamu, kekasihku,
dan selama kau hidup, itu akan selalu berada dalam pelukmu
tanpa meninggalkan milikku

(Terjemahan sendiri dari puisi If You Forget Me oleh Pablo Neruda)