For you

I am neither heartless nor unmerciful. When you looked at me out of desperation, I really felt that there was nothing between our never-attached bonds. The deepest part of my heart just told me that you are not for me and I am not for you. I am sorry for not giving those sparks of fireworks to you. But you can't shower me with thousands of gifts for I am not a doll living in a store. And, for me, seeing your name going along with every single text was like unstopping wakeup alarms in the middle of my tight sleep.

I am just not longing to be in a unity that I know would head for a steep cliff.
So, would you please step aside and let me walk my own way?

Stuck

Just imagine yourself sitting in front of computer, trying to write down few lines that can change your life forever. The thing is that it is not as easy as breathing. When one minute passes, you say "It's OK. Let's try again." It is five minutes already and it is like "Come on. Work faster." One hour..two hours and still nothing. And you will tell your brain "Dammit, stupid jerk."

It is a very daunting task to pretend as if I were being chased by bears, lions, or wild dogs. I still don't move no matter what happens. Perhaps to escape from reality I should keep this Confucian quote in my mind: "It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop." My question is: how slow can I go until I am at my wit's end?

The collision of the words "dead" and "line" is the weapon that kills me slowly right now. Everytime I keep in touch with this, nobody is my best friend. Not even my family, not even you, not even me.  Well, this goes along with how teary-eyed you get at the end of the torture.

Don't understand what I am trying to say? So here it is.

I hate thesis.

- The End -

10 Gejala Mahasiswa Tua

Bila anda merasakan hal-hal berikut terjadi, berarti anda adalah mahasiswa yang mengalami penuaan:
1.   Jarang ngampus buat masuk kelas (biasanya buat konsul skripsi atau bikin tugas)
2.   Sangat sering dipanggil dengan embel-embel "mas" atau "mbak"
3.   Setiap hari mikirin skripsi (tapi belum tentu dikerjakan, seringnya sih enggak)
4.   Lupa ambil kartu ujian akhir semester bahkan pada saat tenggat waktu pengambilannya
5.   Bingung setelah lulus mau ngelamar kerja dimana
6.   Ketemu banyak wajah mahasiswa yang tidak familiar di kampus
7.   Mupeng banget ngeliat temen-temen yang udah pada wisuda
8.   sering ditanya "Kapan lulus?"
9.   KTMnya udah hampir habis masa berlakunya
10. Stress karena hal-hal diatas

Yah bila anda merasa diri anda mahasiswa tua, ada 3 pilihan:
1. lanjutkan: maksudnya sih jadi mahasiswa abadi :p nggak capek?
2. keluar: ini yang gawat. Udah kuliah sampai tua kok jadi sia-sia ya...
3. lulus: daripada terus menua sampai jenggotan di kampus atau  percuma kuliah lama mending segera lulus :)

Kalau aku sih pilih cepet lulus aja hehehe. I am sick of being old :p


I will get my S.Pd.  in JULY 2014!!!!!!!!
:)

10 most miserable moments in your life

1. being never good enough for anyone
2. being judged by your appearance (or ethnicity, or religion) 
3. hiding your true feeling
4. falling in love with someone who loves someone else
5. thinking of someone who doesn't care about you
6. trying your best but failing instead
7. having a relationship that you know wouldn't last
8. imagining beautiful things that would never happen
9. feeling alone even if you have companies around you
10. pretending that everything is well

I want to tell you a great solution to your problems, no matter what they are.
When you face difficulties, and when you feel too tired to get over them all, the simplest step that
you can take is to...sleep. Easy, right?
You may think that it is strange. But really, when you sleep, you can run away from the reality even if it is only for a while.
If you sleep, at least you won't feel the pain you have in the real world. Even if you have a nightmare,
it is still better than dealing with the nightmare that you see once you wake up. 
The point is that if you ever feel like disappearing from this world, don't do something stupid like cutting yourself or consuming drugs. Just sleep and hope that everything will be alright..

Christmas is coming, but....

I don't know if I will be home for Christmas as my KKN (Kuliah Kerja Nyata) will probably be held on December 21 2013 to January 31 2014.
Anyway, I still hope that at least I stay here on Christmas day although in my family, Christmas is not Christmas. Mom and I (maybe Dad too) always go to the church the night before. It's quite a routine for us, which has become as cold as winter despite the absence of that season. The soaring tree doesn't give me even a little bit of spring in my heart.
This year, my brother won't be present because he's still out there for his Master's degree. I sometimes wonder how he is but the reality is that we never talk much. I can only pray for him that he will be able to finish his study well and get back here with us.
If I were given the chance to say my wish, I'd want the feeling of warmth, the feeling of being with my best friends, instead of love and respect established by fear.  
And, still, I want to be home for Christmas.

Kepergianmu

Aku tak pilu, aku tak lara atasmu
yang terbang dengan sayap
yang kaupinjam dari langit
kita memang berbeda
seperti pecahan kaca
yang tak dapat menyatu
bagiku kau ada dan tiada
gelap dalam terangku
tanpamu jalan ini tetaplah luas
matahari kan tetap bersinar
namun pada kenyataanya
aku takut rindu padamu
walau aku  tak berduka olehmu
maka kukirim seuntai doa
beserta pengharapan
supaya kau dapat menjadi kokoh
meski selamanya aku dan kau
adalah air dan minyak
semoga kau baik-baik saja

dan aku disini
berselimutkan asa tak pasti
ingin kurenggut mimpi
dalam detik yang berlari

namun sesal telah menanti
bahkan hujanpun tak terganti

andai kuhidup dalam mati
kan kukenang dalam hati
semua masa yang terhenti


Yogyakarta, 23 November 2013

Hanya sebatas pemikiran

Orang bilang bahwa manusia sama seperti angsa: mereka diciptakan berpasangan.  Seringkali aku bertanya-tanya akan hal itu. Apakah benar? Memang bila aku lihat sekitarku, banyak temanku yang berpasangan bak angsa yang dimabuk cinta.  Beberapa bahkan sudah menikah. Bahagia sekali yah mereka.
Bagaimana denganku?
Sebenarnya, hingga detik ini aku masih mempertanyakan kebenaran keyakinan banyak orang tersebut.
Apakah aku juga diciptakan berpasangan?
Aku pernah merasakan berpasangan. Namun aku tidak bahagia dan selalu menangis. Lebih baik sendiri.
Dan aku menyimpulkan bahwa orang yang menjadi pasanganku dulu, bukanlah pasangan yang diciptakan Tuhan untukku.
Aku pun terus menunggu dan menunggu...
Tapi setiap orang yang aku temui selalu saja terasa tidak tepat...
Sungguh tidak mudah mencari pasangan...
Atau aku memang ditakdirkan untuk sendiri?

Suddenly

Suddenly
I drop the rain on the sand
it blends with the chants
of the falling leaves
that long to fly away
following the melody
sung by winter wind
Give me more rays of light
and I will trade your prayers
with our promise
that sinks my heart away

Scars

They are nothing but scars,
crafted over grave of wars,
gleaming in crimson jars.

They are hears that grow teary,
washing off every mystery,
as company spills misery.

They will sleep and hatch,
to rise up with raging match,
that life cannot even catch.

When cold creeps to toe,
stay with three or two,
leave them all black too. 

Cause they are nothing,
but scars.

Guilty Pleasure

At last he got up and went along to the bedroom, and when he was at the door, he saw a woman in a red dress. He kept watching her without being able to move. She did not put on any makeup. However, the beauty of her naked face was mesmerizing enough to leave him numb. She approached him slowly but sure, as gracious as dancing swan. The taps on the floor broke the silence.
"I know what you just did," she said to him in an investigating manner.
"No, you don't," he quickly replied.
But the tone of his voice cannot conceal the meaning beyond it.
He turned his face away, knowing that she could easily read the truth.
"Look at me!" She raised her voice.  She grabbed his cheeks with her hands and their eyes were locked together. The time seemed frozen to both of them. She examined himself in disgust.
Suddenly the memories came back to her enraged self. For all these seven years, she had given everything to him; her sacrifice had been too much. It was more than thousands of times he had caused her to blast in fury.
When she looked deeper into his eyes, the fire in her eyes ceased and turned into clouds of disappointment.
"I was away only for a while and you..."
"Please believe me. I don't do it! It was just..." He tried to explain in vain.
"Oh, I can't believe it.You did it again!" She yelled.
She released her hands from his face and turned away.  Deep inside, he knew it was not fair at all to her.
But he was not fully aware of what he was doing. The temptation was just too hard to resist. He could not stand being alone without longing  for a little pleasure, eventhough it would mean hurting her.
She didn't want to cry, for if she cried, it only showed that she was overly weak.
Realizing that it was no use to stay that way forever, she turned back to him and moved her face closer to his--close enough to hear each other's sigh. She touched his lips with one of her fingers and started caressing them. Her emotions were washed away, making her finally able to speak with a more neutral voice.
"Next time, Johnnie, don't play with my makeup again. It's expensive, you know."
"I'm sorry, Mom."
 
THE END

The Point of No Return

At this point, when it is getting peaceful
you are starting to question yourself
what do you study for?
why do you get yourself involved in all these things?
you go to class everyday, afraid of missing every single moment
you do everything your professors want you to do
living up to their expectations,
eventhough it means your sacrificed happiness
you hope they will always smile upon you
but when they don't, your life is over
what is it for?
have you really learned something?
so you have that ideal GPA
which is just  "a piece of paper"
does it guarantee that you will survive later?
at this point, you are sick of everything
at this point, you want to leave all of these
but you can't
there is no choice you have
is it responsibility or is it fate?
in the end
no matter what you do
you will always be a
silly
little
fool

For my precious

I love you so much but your words months ago still linger in my mind... When you said to me that I would not succeed in "that subject", my heart was wounded deeply.  At that time, I was feeling down and all I needed was encouraging and motivating words, not depressing anger that I turned out to get. Perhaps you didn't realize that. You can't understand me..perhaps I am too strange for you. Or you do have very high expectations, which I cannot fulfill. What can I do, anyway? The world always revolves around you, and  you are the only side of  your coin.
Your words, THOSE words still echo everywhere, to my ear, in my head especially when you keep saying to me how bad I am or when you keep making me fall.  Now I know that you are not hesitant at all to hit me with the worst that you have.
Perhaps the best decision is to stand on my feet and start my own life. I cannot live beneath your wings anymore... I am just not good enough for you. Maybe I will never be good enough for you.
You are one of the most precious persons in the world for me.  
I am only an ordinary person with my own flaws and limitations. I am sorry for that.
What I am certain of is that I will always love and respect you.
Thank you for making me realize that I need to finish my journey here quickly and fly away.


Love,


Me

Surprise

It's very surprising when I looked through my old diary or this blog entries. After reading some, I was really shocked; I couldn't believe that I was a depressed and immature person. Now I can only laugh and be embarrassed of myself. I can't believe that I wrote all the stupid stuff!
However, I can see that I have grown a lot and I don't act that way anymore.
Well, I can delete what I write in this blog but I can't just get rid of what I have in my diary.
So, I'll just let it be a good way to reflect myself for whatever I have done.

Look back, smile, and step forward

"Last Christmas" I gave you my heart
but "the very next day" you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special :)