A year later

One year has passed since my graduation. In a year, there were a lot of things happening to me; a lot of unwanted things, to be exact. I must say that, seeing from what I've done so far, this isn't a good year. I actually imagined that I would have gone abroad with a scholarship and I would have met my soul mate, who would always be there for me and make me a better person. 

The truth is that right now I am only an ordinary worker who teaches English at a local institution. Instead of studying abroad with no cost, I screwed up at my scholarship interview because I didn't prepare any detailed study plan. I was actually granted a scholarship from an Australian university but it wasn't enough to support the living cost there, resulting in me rejecting it. I still, anyway, believe that there are still other opportunities for me. I am not a quitter but there are times when I feel that my search is useless. 

With no success in pursuing my study makes me hope that my love live would at least be better. However, it is just as bad. I am just a lonely girl with envies toward my friends who are always with their loved ones. The relationship I am in is only based on words and promises which will be broken and made over and over again. I envy those who have planned their lives ahead together and truly work on it to make it real. Looking at them, I just want to cry, with the facts that I am not good enough to make him want to plan a future with me and act on it. Having a relationship that guarantees a future is just my own dream--not his--which will never come true if I stay this way.

I am tired of this and I wish that time could be reversed. If I hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't be staying in this room writing this trash. There is no return point and I must try to be positive anyway. Maybe, after all of this, I am not ready to spread my wings out there to study and therefore I have to defer this dream. And, maybe, I am also not ready to meet my true 'one and only' yet, as I am now in such a terrible mess of being with the wrong person at the wrong time. 

I believe that God still has good plans for me though right now I am contemplating as if He'd made numerous unfunny jokes throughout my life . When the time is right, I hope that things will fall into places.