A Long, Long Way to Go

I've been thinking all day. It seems so hard to chase my dreams. With a lot of university assignments and the upcoming final test, I doubt that I'd be able to balance everything. It's right that I don't have to study much for English-related subjects, but what about the other subjects which are not English-related, like Pengantar Pendidikan and Pendidikan Pancasila? Of course I have to study hard to get A*especially for Pendidikan Pancasila. I have a hard time understanding the materials :(*.
Well, I'm starting to think that it's almost impossible to get perfect GPA, but I do hope that it's not true.
My target is to finish studying in PBI in 3,5 years. Can I do it? :|
What about the other dream I have in my mind and my heart? Can I reach it too?
Besides, there are a lot of obstacles surrounding me. I can't tell you what they are. Actually I'm able to handle it, but somehow my defense is breaking down. That's why I have to keep strengthening myself to face the difficulties.

I definitely have a long way to go. Now what I can do is just believing in myself that I can...

I’m different, I’m not like others
Often I feel like I’m in the other world
unseen and unnoticed
No matter what I do
it changes nothing

The wound is now gone
There’s not a single scar left
I’ve closed the book of the past
But still, it can’t be like what it used to be
My heart keeps questioning
Who am I? Am I still me?

Then I meet you
It’s warmth that you’ve given
It’s happiness that I feel
You’re a stranger
but somehow there’s a bond
between you and me
Do you feel it too?
or is it just my own feeling?

You’re right there
I know you see me
but will you see me as I am?
I know you want me to open up
but will I be able to trust you?

Tell me, help me
Get me out of this sorrow!

Actually this time I don't really feel like writing. I have a lot of things in my mind that complicate me. But I think I just want to write as these hands guide me.

I feel so uncertain this time. It's just about a decision-making, but it seems so hard to see which is right and which is wrong. I want to follow my heart, but what will others think or feel about me? If I follow my mind, I know it'll hurt a lot.
I've prayed to Him to help me make a wise decision though until now I still can't find the answer.


Stupid me. I wonder why I keep involving myself into such thing...

I want to disappear

A lot of strange things happened to me in the last 2 weeks. I completely can't understand me. I don't know what I feel, but it seems that I'm unable to focus on whatever I'm doing.
I shouldn't let this feeling come to myself. Stupid me.
Now I feel like disappearing, but unfortunately I couldn't.
This is not understandable.
I really hope that I can get over it...

Solitude

Now I'm sitting on this chair in the empty room. Perhaps the library is the place I like the most in this university. Here I can find calmness and silence. I'm away from the things that make me worried.
I love being alone. I just want to hide myself for a while.
It doesn't mean that I don't need anyone at all....but it seems that loneliness is my best friend because it always listens to what I think or feel without any complaint.
I know people will think that I'm weird or something else. Well, this is me. Take me as I am or not at all...I don't really care...

Apa yang kaurasakan
bila orang yang paling kau cintai melukaimu?
dengan kata-kata yang penuh amarah
seolah tak ada suara lain di dunia ini

Kau merasa ingin menjerit
tetapi mulutmu tiba-tiba membisu
Kau ingin menangis
tetapi air matamu telah kering
Kau ingin berontak
tetapi tubuhmu terasa lemah

Dan yang paling menyedihkan adalah
tak ada yang dapat kau lakukan
karena kau begitu mencintainya
sehingga sesakit apapun hatimu
Kau tetap bertahan hingga akhir


Pernahkah engkau...?