Saat ini aku merasa takut...
Aku takut bila pertahanan yang baru saja kupasang akan runtuh begitu saja
Aku takut masuk ke dalam lingkaran dimana tidak seharusnya aku berada
Bagaimana ini?
Mohon jangan bawa aku ke dalamnya...
Jangan robohkan pertahananku

Bila terus begini
Sanggupkah aku bertahan?

Tinggalkan aku sendiri sajalah...

How to fix the broken string

OK, I wish that I could do it. I mean, to fix our 'broken friendship'. But it seemed so useless. My friend is still mad at me, or perhaps he avoids to keep in touch with me. He ignored me. :(

Since that day (please read my previous post: "This is My True Feeling"), we haven't talked much. I really want to say something when I meet him, but these lips can only make a smile, and no words can be said. Actually what I always want to say to him is, "I don't want to lose you as my friend. Please be friends, will you?"
But I'm just too afraid to say it. I'm afraid if I hurt him again.
I wonder if he still has feeling for me. I just hope he doesn't and he has recovered from the 'wound' which was caused by me.

A lot of friends said, "When you reject a guy friend's feeling, he won't be your friend anymore and he'll get rid of you. Your friendship won't be the same."
I hope it's not true. I'll feel so bad if someone stops being my friend only because of that.

That's why I don't like that kind of feeling. Liking someone, then you are hurt. That's so cliche!
From now on I want to try not to involve myself into that feeling.


This broken string...
Let it be...
Perhaps it should be that way...

Strange feeling

Aku nggak tahu apa yang aku rasakan. Mau bilang takut, enggak. Sedih, juga enggak. Tapi hatiku terasa nggak enak banget entah kenapa. Aku bingung. Aku nggak mau menghadapi apa yang ada di depanku. Tapi entahlah...Aku ragu...
Tak apa jika aku yang disakiti, karena aku sudah kebal akan itu. Tapi aku tak ingin menyakiti, karena jujur aku peduli. Jadi aku berharap biarlah waktu yang menjawab.

Please forget about me...
I don't know how to face it
Really I don't want to hurt you more.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

This is my true feeling...

As I have said before, I don't like to hurt anyone's feeling. But now it seems that everything becomes more complicated...and it's because of me, I think.
OK, now I just wanna be honest to you. I'm tired of using that kind of poetic words...I'd better say it to you directly...hahaha. No offense to anyone :)

I have a guy friend. He was so kind and considerate to me. I consider him one of my best friends. But then everything changed. About two weeks ago he said he liked me. At first I didn't know what he meant. I didn't know what to say. Did he like me as a friend or more than a friend? Then, confusedly I told him that I liked him too as a friend. Well, he seemed disappointed and he said that he was serious, and he'd just forget about his feeling for me.
Then I realized that (perhaps) he liked me more than a friend (or perhaps I could say he had a crush on me). Oh My God...I thought I broke his heart :(
My heart was broken too, knowing that I might lose him as a friend.
Well, about my feeling for him...I don't really know. But it happened too quickly, because we just met about a month ago...It's just too fast to feel deeply about someone. Besides, what does he see in myself? I mean, I'm physically not attractive. I'm just a funny-looking girl who is often pinched when people see my face.
But it's obvious that I felt sad and guilty because of him.
I can't deny my own feeling. Until now I still hope that we can be friends, no need to avoid each other.

But there comes more problem. Today I just knew that one of my best friends, whom I met on the same day as I met him, seems to like him. She said that she and him get closer, and they often chat with each other. When I asked her how she felt about him, she told me that she only liked him as her brother, because she and him shared everything, include their feeling for someone they like. Then she told me that he actually had a crush on a PBI student, and he didn't want to tell her the name of the girl. She didn't know that the girl was me, and I don't want her to know. Just let it be between him and me....
Then I asked her if she felt something 'more special' than a brother. Although she said no, I feel that she likes him more than a brother (somehow I know what my friends feel, and it's often right). She said that his kindness towards her made her think that he likes her (Well, I think she doesn't really know his personality. He is kind to EVERYONE, which makes me unaware that he saw me 'that' way). So what can I say? I'm stuck between two persons whom I care about...:(

Perhaps everything is over now. I still don't know whether he has ended his feeling for me or not. I hope he has, because I don't want him or someone else to get hurt more. I hope when I meet him again, I can talk to him and make this problem clear. I just want everything to go back to normal again...:)

My First Job as an Altar Server :)

Today Cana Community had altar server meeting. There were only 6 newbies there (3 seniors and 3 juniors) include me. I didn't know why there were only a few who came. Could it be because of the rain?
Among all the newbies, I'm the most inexperienced altar server-to-be. I have never been an altar server before, whereas the others have. I was a little bit ashamed :p
We practiced a little. I was very clumsy. I didn't even know the name of most of the mass instruments. But it seemed that the seniors didn't mind. hahaha. Even they give me the job as an altar server. It'll be on Sunday, September 26.
Oh My God! Me? Altar server? Finally I will be an altar server. I'm so happy :)
Hope I can do it well :)

Cana

I decided to join Cana Community in my university. Do you know what Cana means?
Well, it's taken from the Bible. Jesus performed His first miracle in Cana. So that's why the name is Cana.
In Cana Community, we are taught to serve God and other people, by being church participants, doing social work, etc.
I want to join it because my heart asked me to. I always feel that He has given me a lot. I want to give back to Him, although it's impossible because His love for me is unlimited, whereas I'm only a human who always sins against Him and others. Besides, I've always wanted to be a church participant (e.g altar server, lector, etc) but there is always something that doesn't let me do it - something I can't say here. So now that I've got the chance, I want to praise and serve Him with everything I have.
But because of Cana, yesterday I got lectured because I went home at 7 PM, whereas every organization in my university starts in the evening....I don't really know what to do. I think I just have to give them some explanations, and hopefully they'll understand. But I promise to myself that it won't affect my GPA!
I wanna do and balance everything with love :)