Lemon Tree

(Fool's Garden)

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time
I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast
I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon tree

Sing, dah...

I'm sitting here
I miss the power
I'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
While nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don't want to sit on the lemon-tree
I'm steppin' around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree
Yellow, wonder, wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see, and all that I can see, and all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon tree 

Best Friend

There is a saying that "it is better to have few real friends than a thousand fake ones." It is true for me, regardless of the fact that I am not good at making a lot of friends. For all these times, I only have few close friends. Compared to my other classmates, I might seem like an antisocial or introverted person. However, I was very happy that my friends, although not many, were always there in no matter what situation I was. They were (and still are) amazing to me. 

Upon graduation, unfortunately, some moved to other cities to continue their own journey in life: pursuing higher level of study or working. I, meanwhile, stay here to gain more experience working in a local institution and look for chances to continue my study. With our own business, it is, I admit,  quite hard to maintain our relationship. Sure, there are electronic devices and social media to still keep in touch easily. With the help of electronics, they might be there for you although they are far but, like it or not, we have got to move on with our lives by ourselves. In every stage of life, friends come and go. I am grateful that I still have got ones who remain here with me.

Up to now, there is a particular friend I've always been together with ever since I was in my first semester of my university. At first, I thought that she was a nosy person as she kept asking me about my grades. She often fussed over how she could get some scores she thought she didn't deserve. That often became our topic of talk every time we met. However, as I got to know her, I found out that we have similarities in our thoughts and principles despite our background differences. We complete each other and talking to her makes me feel better because she understands me. I learn from her and she learns from me. I thank her for spending time with me and share many things together although good things don't always happen to us. I hope we can always support each other and forever be best friends. My prayers are with her, especially in facing the thesis defense and life afterwards. Good luck, Bu Man.

How I Relieve Stress

When everything doesn't go as expected, it is understandable that one will feel distressed. That, of course, causes the person to be unable to focus on doing his or her usual activities. For some, it feels like the end of the world because the tension is so real that they think there is no more solution to handle it. Stress is inevitable yet many people, including me, often experience this kind of circumstances. Therefore, when I feel that way, eventhough there may be no way out, there are several things I can do to soothe the pain:

1. Eating

This really works because I feel full after eating. There is a kind of satisfaction that I get from putting a lot of food to my stomach, especially the sweet ones. Somehow, I can manifest my feelings by just chewing the food.

2. Sleeping

It is obvious that we feel nothing when we sleep. This is actually a temporary escape from the real problems in our life. The more we sleep, the better we get. However, be careful; too much sleep causes unnecessary laziness.

3. Playing the piano

This is the advantage of being able to play the piano. There are many pieces composed by amazing composers such as Bach, Chopin, or Tchaikovsky. I just need to play them based on my mood. Or if I am bored, I just can play more modern pieces.

4. Writing

When I have nobody who listens to me or understands me, I always write what I feel in this blog or on my diary. I am free to express myself through writing. Nobody will complain on me writing about the same thing over and over again, though.

5. Stop thinking of the stress source

It is important to understand that life must go on. Whether or not I like it, some unwanted things will just happen. This is where I have to accept it and let go. There is no point in thinking of my problems in vain. Take it or leave it. It's easy. 

I guess those are some. In case all fails, you can just pray to God and hope it will be over soon. I hope that helps.

Omega

Aku ingin berhenti menulis tentang hal yang belakangan sering kutulis. Aku lelah dan tidak ingin lagi memikirkan atau merasakan betapa sulitnya bagiku untuk berjalan tanpa tujuan. Semoga setelah ini tidak ada lagi tulisan-tulisan senada yang aku buat dengan hati yang gelap.

Aku tidak ingin menyalahkan Tuhan atas apa yang menimpaku. Pada akhirya, itu salahku dan akulah yang bertanggungjawab atas semua yang terjadi. Andai sejak pertama dulu aku tidak lemah oleh rasa. Andai sejak awal aku dengan keras melawan halangan yang kutahu akan menyandungku, aku tidak akan berada di posisiku saat ini.

Semua karena aku yang egois. Aku hanya mengikuti kehendak hatiku dan percaya akan harapan yang muncul, yang seiring waktu berubah menjadi suatu angan yang mungkin akan berbuah manis. Tetapi, lambat laun, aku menyadari bahwa bila semua terus berlanjut, keadaan hanya akan membuatku bak dalang utama tindak kejahatan, dan pada akhirnya, aku akan dihantui oleh rasa bersalah karena semata-mata memaksakan keinginanku. Aku akan seperti berbahagia diatas penderitaan oranglain, dan hal itu akan membuatku semakin kecewa pada diriku sendiri.

Sekarang, bila ada yang harus berkorban atau mengalah, akulah yang harus dan akan melakukannya. Bila memang ternyata pergi atau akhirnya ditinggalkan adalah pilihan yang terbaik, maka terjadilah, sudah seharusnya. Takdir yang sudah digariskan sepertinya tidak dapat diubah. Berusaha mengubah takdir sebenarnya adalah kemustahilan yang saat ini sedang kujalani dengan menutup mata pada yang sudah rusak.

Tidak menyenangkan bila apa yang sudah dibayangkan, diimpikan, dan direncanakan, hancur. Lebih tidak menyenangkan lagi bila hari demi hari hanya merasakan luka lama yang hilang dan timbul bergantian. Apa yang sudah pecah, tampaknya tak bisa kembali seperti semula. Bagaimanapun juga, aku bersyukur atas semua yang telah kujalani. Saat ini, kekuatan dan kebahagiaanku adalah diriku sendiri, bukan oranglain. Bila pada awalnya aku baik-baik saja, pada akhirnya, aku juga akan baik-baik saja.

Memaafkan, merelakan, melupakan,


semoga.

~~

How you make me feel

For you who have deceived me,

This is one of the lowest points in my life; and you are not even here--literally and not literally.  Physically you are not with me, and you left me only with the saying that "distance means nothing when someone is worth anything."

At first, I wanted to believe it even after you hurt me so much (that the pain still exists now). But I feel like a fool right now to have believed in lies you've been telling me. You used to be my alarm, my companion, my shoulder to cry on but then you started to take me for granted. I thought you wouldn't do it but you did that. You don't know how much I struggle to hold on and how many days I count til the sufferings end. I've tried to keep myself doing a lot of things but at the end of the day, still, I am the one who feels so empty.

This is the result of my stupidity; it is so unfair that you always become the one that leaves me, and that I always become the one that watches you going away. It's hard to forget you and, day by day, it would only get harder to do so. Sadly, I realized that you feel the other way around. You only use this situation to let go of me slowly. You succeeded; I've fallen into your trap, with the growing belief that someday we'd end up happily.

I want to be the one who leaves, before you leave me further and forget me for good. I've always cared for your feelings; everyday I'd hope that you'd be free from any pain and sickness. Now that you've got over it, why are mine never taken into account? This time I'm protecting myself from more wound caused by you. Anyway, my presence (or absence) doesn't matter to you as much as yours do to me. I'm just your toy...

Someday

"Someday" always changes. Even today is "someday" for me in the past. There were things that I had not found out and I just saw it in the "someday." Many things happened through the process of going to "someday."

 

All I can say is that...lessons learned during that time. The point is that "someday" can't be the measurement for goals in life. It is solely one's imagination, that will continuously alter into various forms. Some sound pleasing and relieving; but in one moment you'll realize that they may or may not come true. At some point, you will understand that it's both close and far away. It's the cycle of life that has got to burst in. Just like trust, faith, or hope, it takes a long time to build and only a second to destroy.

"Someday I will..."

"Someday we will..."

"Someday" is just unbelievable.