Studying and Living in Sheffield

Sheffield? Where's that?
 
Most of my friends and relatives always ask that question to me. For them, Sheffield sounds too unfamiliar to be located in UK. As we know, UK is associated to London, which seems to be the most famous city in UK. However, there are other cities, including Sheffield, that should be taken into consideration.

Sheffield is a peaceful city of my choice to study. It is not very big, yet not very small. Compared to London, there are fewer people living here, which makes it an ideal place to study. Of course you want less distraction to focus on your studies, right? 

It doesn't mean that  there are nothing to see here, though. If you like shopping, you can go to the Orchard Square or the Fargate as they just take a 15-minute walk from my university. Furthermore, Meadowhall, the largest shopping mall in Yorkshire, can easily be reached by tram. There are also  various museums (e.g. Weston Park Museum, Kelham Island Museum) and sceneries to view (e.g. Peak District, Winter Gardens, Peace Gardens).

Living in Sheffield for more than a month, I can refer this city to my hometown in Indonesia, Yogyakarta. Just like Yogyakarta, Sheffield has a lot of students coming from different places (cities/countries). The facilities provided are very good as well: sophisticated libraries, computers, etc. The difference that I feel is that I need to walk every time instead of riding my own vehicle. At first, it was so challenging and tiring to walk on the streets of Sheffield: they are very HILLY. For your information, Sheffield is surrounded by hills so you will feel like hiking when you walk. The good side is that I do exercise everyday just by walking to campus. I am still getting myself used to the cold weather here, too. 

You see? UK is not only about London!
I love Sheffield; it is my home for now.

Life is a Choice

Hidup itu penuh dengan pilihan, mulai dari yang paling mudah hingga yang paling sulit. Terkadang kita dapat memutuskan untuk memilih beberapa hal sekaligus, karena memang pilihan-pilihan tersebut dapat dijalani secara bersamaan. Namun, di waktu lain, tidak semua hal dapat dipilih dan kita hanya dapat menjalani salah satu saja. Itulah yang terberat, apalagi bila pilihan tersebut sama-sama sulit untuk dibuat. Bila kita memilih A, tidak mungkin ada B dan sebaliknya.  

Saat ini aku telah menentukan pilihanku, yang sudah aku pertimbangkan dengan pikiran dan hatiku beserta seluruh doaku. Aku sadar bahwa aku telah menjadi buta dalam jangka waktu yang tidak sedikit demi kebahagiaan yang semu. Aku sudah cukup lama meyakinkan diriku untuk tinggal dalam pilihan tersebut -- pilihan yang rasanya tidak tepat, namun aku paksakan untuk menjadi tepat, hingga aku merasa terjebak semakin dalam oleh jeratnya. Semakin hari aku berusaha merasa bahagia dengan keadaan yang ada, dimana keadaan tersebut sesungguhnya tak dapat berubah.

Aku bergumul untuk lepas dari cengkeraman itu dan rasanya sulit sekali pada awalnya. Namun saat ini aku dapat mengatakan bahwa perlahan tapi pasti aku bisa melakukannya. Aku selalu berdoa, dan higga kini masih meneteskan airmata atas luka yang pernah tergores begitu dalam; atas hari hancurnya hati dan kepercayaanku pada pilihan yang pernah kubanggakan itu. Aku berdoa pada-Nya, "Tuhan, semoga suatu saat keadaan ini dapat berubah. Namun bila keadaan tersebut tidak dapat berubah, ubahlah hatiku saja." Sudah kubuat keputusan bahwa aku tidak ingin terus berada dalam kebodohan. Pada akhirnya, aku tahu yang terbaik untukku, dan semua akan indah pada waktunya.  

 

The Renewal

Let me tell you about an event on Saturday 30 July. It was actually nothing really big, but  I just want to write it down while I remember that feeling. 

That evening, I attended a Mass at my church, St. Fransiskus Xaverius Kidulloji. It was not an ordinary weekly Mass; it was my parents' wedding vow renewal. After the priest's homily, my parents, along with seven other couples, stood together in front of the altar and pronounced the vow they had ever said on their own weddings. More or less, it went like this:

"I, (name), take you, (spouse's name), as my husband/wife, to have and to hold, in good and bad times, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."

While some laughed and thought it was not that necessary (since it wasn't the "real" wedding), I felt the other way around. Watching the couples rejoined together and listening to their vows, I secretly cried. I felt that those people were so lucky to be able to say those words even after decades of marriage. Getting married, having a faithful partner to live together forever in holy union is indeed God's wonderful blessing.

I hope that someday I can say that vow as well, in that exact church. I could even imagine myself wearing a beautiful white dress, shedding tears of joy in front of my one true love, with my family and friends watching joyfully.  

But when is my turn and with whom?

Yes, I am just being sentimental this time. 

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

It's OK. I will keep trying. I believe that hard work will result in something good. Maybe not now, but eventually I will find the answers.

After long periods of writing break, it feels awkward to start again. This happens to be my first post in 2016 anyway. It's not that I have decided to abandon it. Usually, the beginning of the year is marked by fresh, new self, feeling motivated to accomplish goals during the year. Nevertheless, it doesn't happen to me, I think. In fact, heart break, unwillingness to forget the past, and  fear of disappointment prevent me from calling for too much hope.

Time is ticking and I am only freezing at one point while looking at my friends being successful in their career. Meanwhile, some others, who are lucky enough to have found their soul mates, have decided to start a family: "together forever," in other words (perhaps).  I must say that I've scored ZERO in those two sides.

Though my career performance only stays in the same place, I begin enjoying my time at my workplace; all my co-workers are my good friends and we've been through good and bad times together. However, I realize that I must spread my wings and develop myself more to achieve something new. Staying there means that I don't want to go out of my comfort zone.

On the other side, my love life is depressing. I remember vividly that he'd chosen to leave me for something I couldn't understand. While other normal couples wish to meet each other as soon as possible, he feels so comfortable staying away from me, making him unwilling to travel 2.5 hours long for me though it's only once a month (he said once or twice, but, well, things change). I am getting so used to feeling miserable of missing him, that I don't really care about his presence in my life now. This one year of prayers and waiting have been wasted and it's just countdown to the end.

The only way to make a new start, for me, is to be courageous. I create my own happiness and I have the rights to feel it. What must end, must end. What must begin, must begin.