disappointment / discernment

I know this is not a good post to begin the new year with. I realised that my emotions have been rather unstable, and I have this on-and-off relationship with God. Last year I was struggling with choices to make, and I thought that I'd found a glimpse of an answer from Him, making me feel a little bit relieved, but it turned out to be incorrect. 

I was told to discern "His will" for my life, and to do so, I should "get more data" and see what He wants me to do. So I did, but I think I wanted an answer so badly that I might have forced that to happen. 

Lately I was feeling a kind of hope, but, yes, now I know it was false, for if it was really the answer, it wouldn't be very hard for me. My life is already difficult, so why would I make it more difficult? Why do I need to move another mountain if I can't move my own mountains? Disappointing it may seem, but I am going to wallow and get over it eventually. Like people say, "if it is too good to be true, it probably is (and yes it is)."

Although God has His plans, I still believe that people have the free will to decide on their fate. 

Or could it be that what He wants is not what I want?  

Why is He so unpredictable?

Two Sides of a Coin

When you feel that you are facing a serious problem, you might want to consider that again, for there are other people who don't think that yours is anything hard compared to theirs. Someone could be deeply shaken with just a light blow, but others could stand the stormiest storm in their life.  

And some words could sound harsh to you, but not to others. There are times only the eyes can see, the ears can hear, but the heart is blind, causing some people to make a hasty, oversimple impression, ignoring the things within, and thus making it easy for them to say something like "Aren't you a little bit of a crybaby?" or  "Get over it!", invalidating how you are viewing and reacting to your own life.
I believe that not everyone is equipped with the same strength and tolerance; not everyone is blessed with a big heart too, so (probably, just probably) God only allows them to endure the difficulties they can bear, and to have blessings they can take.
I would suggest putting ourselves in other people's shoes, that is, to try to ask ourselves, "What if I was in this person's position?" or "What would I feel if this happened to me?".
Empathy isn't something anyone can have easily, after all.  

Throwback: Things I should have done more often during my time abroad

This is just my reflection as an ex-student who has gone back from the UK, which might be useful for my later experience in the future, or for those who are (planning to or) studying abroad. I learned that, although I generally don't regret things that I did there, I still feel that I could have done more of these:

1. Travel
I know that my main goal in the UK was to study, but not travelling enough while I was in a new, different country is kind of a shame. I did travel to a number of cities (and some EU countries), but it was not much compared to my friends who always went somewhere at weekends. My concern was mainly my limited budget. But after some thoughts, I could have travelled with relatively low budget since, as a student, there will be more discounts, or I could have gone to nearby places such as Scarborough, Leeds, or Peak District. And I was also worried about heaps of reading lists! The fear of my sponsor cutting down my living cost due to bad grades made me think again to ditch assignments. In reality, I didn't spend Saturdays/Sundays reading those long lists of references. Instead I stayed in my flat more often and binge-watched movies; what's the point of it?

My regret was to have spent the Christmas Eve 2016 in my room with this!

2. Take more photos/videos
Honestly I feel embarrassed when I have to take selfies in public especially when travelling alone (which I did most of the time). I would feel like people were staring at me, thinking that I was filled with bunch of vanity, so I tended to take them quickly and leave. Of course, sometimes I would ask some strangers to take my photos, but I was often "too shy."
But I should have taken as many selfies as I could, and I should have asked a lot more strangers confidently. The truth is there can never be enough photos! I regret not having more photos of the places I visited; having few pictures only means it is harder to look back and see what I've done in my life (including unexpected things). 

A not-so-good selfie I took during a solo trip to Bath

3. Write
This is related the previous point; I planned to journal every day, but I was often "too frustrated" to write as I either felt too tired, or several things came up. Here in Indonesia, I was disappointed as only little of my feelings while abroad were recorded in words. But If I had spared 10 minutes at the end of the day to write a paragraph of what happened, I could have made an invaluable treasure.

4.  Buy gifts and souvenirs
When I went to places and saw some stuff  at a store, I would only admire its uniqueness and think, "I might get that for a cheaper price on e-bay." or "I will buy it later." But I never got back to that exact same place, and when I returned to Indonesia, regrets creeped in since I didn't get enough of those fridge magnets/keychains.
I am not teaching you to be extravagant, but if there are things that you might never get somewehere else (and the price doesn't make you broke), why don't you consider fitting them into your little backpack?

 Souvenirs I managed to bring

5. Embrace the culture!
When you go to the UK, make sure you pay a visit to the local pubs and have a drink and some traditional foods with your closest friends. There are vibes that you can't get in other places: their dim lights and cozy furniture can't really be forgotten. I miss having Sunday roast with its gravy, and I miss having a pint of cider on a chilly evening. Well, my point here is not to tell you to get drunk (DON'T get drunk!), but there are always other perspectives you get when you go outside and see your surroundings.

Lunch in a local cafe

Hope this experience helps!

Tracking your own life (one thought a day)

Today I found a cool diary from a store and I decided to buy it. It's not a usual diary; basically you just write down a few words a day for five years. Each date of five different years is put on the same page so you can easily compare what happens to you across years.
Before this, I have actually kept a diary book for so long and I still find it very interesting to read my old entries. By reading I can remember how I was years ago and laugh or smile at the ups and downs I'd been through. That way I can be grateful more for the life I have! However, I wrote it rather irregularly (not everyday) because of the busy activities I got.
With this new diary, I think it is easier to write everyday because it's not a whole page; it's just as little as one sentence to remind me of my own memories. I started writing on it today and I hope I can still commit for the next five years. We'll see.

Studying and Living in Sheffield

Sheffield? Where's that?
 
Most of my friends and relatives always ask that question to me. For them, Sheffield sounds too unfamiliar to be located in UK. As we know, UK is associated to London, which seems to be the most famous city in UK. However, there are other cities, including Sheffield, that should be taken into consideration.

Sheffield is a peaceful city of my choice to study. It is not very big, yet not very small. Compared to London, there are fewer people living here, which makes it an ideal place to study. Of course you want less distraction to focus on your studies, right? 

It doesn't mean that  there are nothing to see here, though. If you like shopping, you can go to the Orchard Square or the Fargate as they just take a 15-minute walk from my university. Furthermore, Meadowhall, the largest shopping mall in Yorkshire, can easily be reached by tram. There are also  various museums (e.g. Weston Park Museum, Kelham Island Museum) and sceneries to view (e.g. Peak District, Winter Gardens, Peace Gardens).

Living in Sheffield for more than a month, I can refer this city to my hometown in Indonesia, Yogyakarta. Just like Yogyakarta, Sheffield has a lot of students coming from different places (cities/countries). The facilities provided are very good as well: sophisticated libraries, computers, etc. The difference that I feel is that I need to walk every time instead of riding my own vehicle. At first, it was so challenging and tiring to walk on the streets of Sheffield: they are very HILLY. For your information, Sheffield is surrounded by hills so you will feel like hiking when you walk. The good side is that I do exercise everyday just by walking to campus. I am still getting myself used to the cold weather here, too. 

You see? UK is not only about London!
I love Sheffield; it is my home for now.

Life is a Choice

Hidup itu penuh dengan pilihan, mulai dari yang paling mudah hingga yang paling sulit. Terkadang kita dapat memutuskan untuk memilih beberapa hal sekaligus, karena memang pilihan-pilihan tersebut dapat dijalani secara bersamaan. Namun, di waktu lain, tidak semua hal dapat dipilih dan kita hanya dapat menjalani salah satu saja. Itulah yang terberat, apalagi bila pilihan tersebut sama-sama sulit untuk dibuat. Bila kita memilih A, tidak mungkin ada B dan sebaliknya.  

Saat ini aku telah menentukan pilihanku, yang sudah aku pertimbangkan dengan pikiran dan hatiku beserta seluruh doaku. Aku sadar bahwa aku telah menjadi buta dalam jangka waktu yang tidak sedikit demi kebahagiaan yang semu. Aku sudah cukup lama meyakinkan diriku untuk tinggal dalam pilihan tersebut -- pilihan yang rasanya tidak tepat, namun aku paksakan untuk menjadi tepat, hingga aku merasa terjebak semakin dalam oleh jeratnya. Semakin hari aku berusaha merasa bahagia dengan keadaan yang ada, dimana keadaan tersebut sesungguhnya tak dapat berubah.

Aku bergumul untuk lepas dari cengkeraman itu dan rasanya sulit sekali pada awalnya. Namun saat ini aku dapat mengatakan bahwa perlahan tapi pasti aku bisa melakukannya. Aku selalu berdoa, dan higga kini masih meneteskan airmata atas luka yang pernah tergores begitu dalam; atas hari hancurnya hati dan kepercayaanku pada pilihan yang pernah kubanggakan itu. Aku berdoa pada-Nya, "Tuhan, semoga suatu saat keadaan ini dapat berubah. Namun bila keadaan tersebut tidak dapat berubah, ubahlah hatiku saja." Sudah kubuat keputusan bahwa aku tidak ingin terus berada dalam kebodohan. Pada akhirnya, aku tahu yang terbaik untukku, dan semua akan indah pada waktunya.