A Book's Lesson

One day, I saw a book in a store. From the outside, it was not the kind of thing I wanted to read. The cover was not fancy as it was only a plain one, without any embellishments that tempted me to open it. Perhaps, that day, a thunder struck me so hard that I decided to give it a peek. "Don't judge the book from its cover," people say.

Inside was a story. I read it word by word and, still, I think the book's not "me." I'd just close it and put it back to the shelf. It's better to find other books that were worth my time. But somehow there was a kind of power inside the book that made me want to keep reading it. Minutes turned into hours and finally, after tons of considerations, I went to the cashier and bought it. 

"The book's now mine," I said to myself. I brought it home proudly and continued my own adventure inside the book. It turned out that the book had characters that made me overwhelmed with emotions. It had also taught me life lessons I never learned before. The other side of me had warned me to stop turning the pages of the book. It was true; as I moved to the farther part of it, I was getting afraid of finding out the ending. Although since the beginning I already knew what's on the last page, I was hoping that I was wrong.

I'd finished reading and the end, for sure, was not surprising to me. I'd prepared for the worst and there was it. I should put it away like other books and find another book to read. But somehow, I like that book so much that there are still parts I want to reopen; only those parts. I wish I could alter the plot, but everyone knows I can't..it's already written there.

As always, time will help me decide what to do, won't it?

Okay...

  

 

 

 

I believe that humans are created to adapt themselves to their environment. I know that familiarity breeds attraction. It's just difficult to accept that the familiarity is gone already. So, like it or not, I've gotta adjust myself to this new situation and build new attachments with something else. This hard-to-resist and useless episodes of melancholy must end soon. In other words, I must get used to it. Why am I posting this anyway? Doh.

Only Hope

"Let's go ahead without hoping." At first, I thought that it was a good idea that made sense but soon I realized that it is one of the most ridiculous statements I ever heard. It's impossible to hold on without hoping, for hope itself is the thing that makes me strong, no matter how small it may be. Hope is something that reminds me that eventually everything will fall into place after it falls apart. It is the faith that there is still happiness beyond every sorrow.

Nevertheless, it is the hope itself that destroyed me after I went through several hard knocks. It made me doubtful to keep chasing something that will never happen. It's not that I don't believe in miracles, tough. I do believe in miracles but what I can feel now is fear of getting hurt..over and over again. Waiting for the storm to pass is now useless because there has been much damage caused. If I stand still in this trouble, I am sure that I will only break like a glass--wait, I am already broken.

My hope in certain things is starting to fade, along with the wound that I don't know how to heal. That little hope remains; I hold on although I clearly know that it is the best to let go. Yes, what a fool I am to stay for almost no reason. The courage to make change may be what I need. So, I want to surrender everything to God; He never let me down although I have disappointed him many times. I will walk with Him and finally leave all this behind. I think will survive despite the chaos I feel deep inside. He is my only hope.

Kebodohan

Adakah keberanian sedikit saja

untuk melangkah menuju asa

menembus segala rasa

yang menyesakkan dada

Berdiri menahan lara

mencoba dan meronta

meraih setengah jiwa

yang ada dalam tiada

tersayat dengan luka

menempa noda

Bahwa yang terburuk bukan derita

namun hati pada raga
tersembunyi oleh tawa

membuatnya tak tiada!

Another Lesson

Everything happens for a reason; this is true. Maybe this is just another lesson coming to open my mind. People won't learn anything if they never make mistakes. I am grateful that this is not "the end of the world" although it affected me so much. Honestly, I am in the state of questioning whether or not the situation is real; I wish it weren't. But day by day, I learned that no matter how hard I try to heal the wound, no matter how many times I pretend to be fine, the pain persists from within. Now I understand that I must not try too hard; in fact, I must accept that it did hurt me and I've got to let it flow. I'd just cry a river over it. This way I can feel calmer; I can even start to hope that tomorrow will be much better and this moment will be my yesterday. I know that as long as it doesn't kill me, it will make me a stronger and wiser person.

The conclusion I've got now is that I may only be holding on to nothingness. Probably my remaining unwillingness and "sense of belonging" is making me stupider than ever; it does nothing but trying to keep my hopes up high and finally throwing it to the abyss underneath. I've got my lesson. This time, I don't want it to grow and flourish. Actually, I am counting days til it explodes and vanishes...The best has yet to come.

Conviction

I've seen a lot of things that went beyond my expectations. Just in front of my sight, in a matter of seconds, anyone could suddenly turn into a stranger or a perfect traitor. Trust, love, and promises are no longer considered; they are just packed into a sweet cover worn to hide one's true colors. I used to think that what I know exactly will stay that way...but apparently it is not: it is NEVER that way. It's merely my idealized form of perfection. Now I doubt my own idealism and it has wounded me deeply. I don't think I can't mend this broken heart soon enough but I do hope that time will tell. Right now, I can only feel anger, disappointment, pain, and sadness. I would like to say that it is the closest to "hatred" but then these words keep reminding me: "What about forgiveness?"

I realize that my trust only belongs to God, for there is nobody I can really trust. This has caused me to make a strong promise with Him. I am serious and I am never going to break it. I don't believe that as the world is getting worse, I must also go with the stream, which will only lead me to perpetual destruction and regrets. Even if friends will turn into enemies, even if it means that I will be the only one, I won't do what I think is not right. I don't know how hard it is, but, for sure, I want to keep defending my own belief. For me, my relationship with God is much more important than what people may think about me.